Basket Case

I turned 19 on Friday. It was so completely bittersweet, it brought up alot of memories && ALOT of repressed feelings. I miss him, but all of a sudden he's engaged to her. We were engaged, we hasn't even been apart for a year yet. Not even close to a year!! But it's whatever, the immature child in me wants to scream fuck you in his face, but the mature adult part of ke just wants him to be happy even if it's not with me. However all of me wants him to be happy with someone who is more worth his te, someone who isn't her. I hate her, she's a backstabbing bitch. She's a cheating, lyig slut who had no regard for my relationship with him && I'm gonna show her the same respect. I mean, if he calls or texts me… I feel so desperate && pathetic. I hate myself right now, I hate how I feel && I hate that I care about him && his fucking broken promise to me. I hope she's worth it, I know she's not but I hope he thinks she is. No regrets, right?? Let's let him have that. I just hope he remembers that is was ME not HER made sure he graduatedfrom high school. It was ME who helped keep him motivate to join the marines. It was all me. Lucky me, I helped him keep his promise to her. Stupid girl, you should have known… but at least I know where I stand. I know he never cared, I tried so hard to be what he wanted. He talked about her all the time, I tried to be everything he liked about her. I tried with my whole entity. But it wasn't good enough, i'm not her. In the end it all came out, he unconsciously pushed me away, he argued with me until I finally broke up with him. All I wanted was for him to get some help, I had to work on myself as well. I guess he did what he wanted && I'm just collateral damage, more broken now than ever before. My best friend says I don't really feel like this, it's just spontaneous recovery && it will go away, but she doesn't realize, it's not. I never stopped thinking about him, EVER. Honestly, as much as I want him I know it's not what's best, I lost so much of myself when we were together, I just wanted to make him happy. That being said, it doesn't change a thing, I would do it all over again, I would even try harder, I would never let him go, I would let him have his way more, I wouldn't argue so much. I just wish I could have been a better girlfriend && fiancé. I wish I could be what he wants. I wish I was good enough for him, but I'm not, she is. Apparently she's what he wants, I hope he's happy but I hope she's miserable, I hope she cheats again && I hope he comes back to me. This time I'll keep him, as long as he'll have me I'll keep him. I know I sound like a psycho exgirl but that how it is.