Life thus far...

So I'm back at it. I've been neglecting this writing thing but no
more. I decided I want to celebrate Passover this year, I have no idea
why, but I'm doing it. My life is finally simplified again. I live in
a boring little cookie cutter southern town, they all think I'm a
liberal hippie freak && honestly I probably am. I have a nice, simple,
drama free relationship. I have a few friends out here. Things are…
okay, but they could still be better. I'm in the process of figuring
out how I'm going to migrate back up north && get away from these
uptight people. I'm not made for the south. That's all I got for you
right now. Hopefully I'll have more to say next time.

On mind Currently

I want to be on the road to becoming a great writer. What does this entail?? I have no fucking clue, all I know is that if I want to write better I need to write more. And I'm not talking endless meaningless school papers, I mean this shit, keeping up with my blog, continuing my poetry && short stories. I just want people to remember me for something good, I'm doing a decent job escaping my old rep, now I wanna make a new one for myself, a positive one. Mary the writer, Mary the artist, Mary the actress, I want to be better than I am now, not just in my art && writing, but in my life all together. That's all for now.

Why can't I make up my mind

I feel so bipolar, I'm back to where I was two updates ago, only thing is now I have him. He's changed, for the better. I realize I've changed. I can't really explain the situation sight now though, everything is all over the place, but it looks like things are going to work out for my benefit.

Spontaneous Recovery

So I'm gonna make this short && sweet. FUCK EVERY THING IN THAT LAST POST. It was just old feelings coming to light. But now it has passed, well sort of. I mean, I still love him but I'm not going to be number 2 && accept it. I need to move on, I need to live my life just like he is living his && I honestly hope he comes to his senses before it's too late. If he doesn't, he's lost out on the best girl he could ever get && that's all there is to say.

Basket Case

I turned 19 on Friday. It was so completely bittersweet, it brought up alot of memories && ALOT of repressed feelings. I miss him, but all of a sudden he's engaged to her. We were engaged, we hasn't even been apart for a year yet. Not even close to a year!! But it's whatever, the immature child in me wants to scream fuck you in his face, but the mature adult part of ke just wants him to be happy even if it's not with me. However all of me wants him to be happy with someone who is more worth his te, someone who isn't her. I hate her, she's a backstabbing bitch. She's a cheating, lyig slut who had no regard for my relationship with him && I'm gonna show her the same respect. I mean, if he calls or texts me… I feel so desperate && pathetic. I hate myself right now, I hate how I feel && I hate that I care about him && his fucking broken promise to me. I hope she's worth it, I know she's not but I hope he thinks she is. No regrets, right?? Let's let him have that. I just hope he remembers that is was ME not HER made sure he graduatedfrom high school. It was ME who helped keep him motivate to join the marines. It was all me. Lucky me, I helped him keep his promise to her. Stupid girl, you should have known… but at least I know where I stand. I know he never cared, I tried so hard to be what he wanted. He talked about her all the time, I tried to be everything he liked about her. I tried with my whole entity. But it wasn't good enough, i'm not her. In the end it all came out, he unconsciously pushed me away, he argued with me until I finally broke up with him. All I wanted was for him to get some help, I had to work on myself as well. I guess he did what he wanted && I'm just collateral damage, more broken now than ever before. My best friend says I don't really feel like this, it's just spontaneous recovery && it will go away, but she doesn't realize, it's not. I never stopped thinking about him, EVER. Honestly, as much as I want him I know it's not what's best, I lost so much of myself when we were together, I just wanted to make him happy. That being said, it doesn't change a thing, I would do it all over again, I would even try harder, I would never let him go, I would let him have his way more, I wouldn't argue so much. I just wish I could have been a better girlfriend && fiancé. I wish I could be what he wants. I wish I was good enough for him, but I'm not, she is. Apparently she's what he wants, I hope he's happy but I hope she's miserable, I hope she cheats again && I hope he comes back to me. This time I'll keep him, as long as he'll have me I'll keep him. I know I sound like a psycho exgirl but that how it is.

Saturday the 14th

Wut do you do when you really want somene but you know you're better off not even trying?? And I don't mean you don't try because you think you'll be rejected, I mean you don't try because you just KNOW it won't end well. That's my current dilemma. He likes me, that was confirmed, I like him too, though that is he first time that thought has ever left me head. But the prblem is that my luck as far as relationships go is they end badly it's a mess for everyone involved, friends, family, even the haters. I feel like if we take that step in our relationship it will just be a major waste of time && possibly ruin our friendship forevr. I don't want that. && at this point it's not even like we're the only poeple involved, ou mutual friends are now trying to push a relationship on us. && if it DOES happen && it DOES end badly what am I supposed to do?? He is the closest thing I have to a best friend out here. && I like what we have so why risk it for something that could ruin everything?? I don't think we should. Sometimes I feel like I'm leading him on, we have never actually discussed our 'status' with eachother but our friends love to bring it up to us seperately. They really think I wanna be with him, I usually just avoid the subject, I dot add any coal to the fire, anything they say is from him or something they decided on their own. && I guess if he thinks I'm interested in becoming a couple it's probably because of how I act. See, I'm the type of person who absolutely LOVES being around my friends && whoever is around me at the moment just becomes my favorite person, love who you're with, right?? That's all for now, I'm not done but it's 2:44am && I gotta be up at 6 so I should at least TRY to sleep. 

The Facts of Life

I am completely fucked up. I don't even know why I try sometimes. I go to school, I don't pay attention, all my books got destroyed so I'm not doing too good in ANYTHING. I can't get a fucking job if it would save my life. People here only look to me for dumb shit like sex, they don't even know me!! I wanna just go to bed for a hundred tears like Rip Van Winkle, maybe things will be better for me then… i'm actually writing this in my history class, this proving how much school was NOT made for me. All I really wanna do rift now is sit around listening to music && playing the sims. Pathetic isn't it?? I hate this feeling, I really wanna get back to where I was befor, back when I looked forward to more than partying && shit. I used to like school, I used to have ambission, && this fuckin depression I'm slipping into does NOT sit well with me. I think I'm obsoletebing informatin from this class even thought I'm not paying attention, did anyone know that Japan is an archepelago?? && apparently they have young mountains, they're very unstable. Sounds like people, young=unstable. I wish I could make his go away, I mean I know how it started. Picture this, girl meets boy, girl likes boy, boy && girl date, they break up, months later they're friends. She tells him she loves him && it's the truth, it's just not the way he loves her. Eventually boy figures it out, he mentions it to girl, she says it's not true. The both know she's lying, thy both leave it at that because they both want it to be true. He wants it to be true because he's madly in love with her. She wants it to be true because she knows she's better off with him in her life. The only reason she holds on is because she wants it to be true, she wants it with evrything she has. Her entire entity wants it. But no matter how much she wants it, she needs to accept that it may never be true && she needs to cut him loose. But that's all for right now, u can't hande my whole mind at once. 
* this is a true story that should have never gotten this far.*